So drunk, too bad you don't want this
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
