Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
