I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
