i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
