Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
