the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
