Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
