Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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