just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
