Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
