i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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