Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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