he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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