I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
