People in love make me want to vomit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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