Me too!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
