my sisters under your porch take her home
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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