i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
