just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
