What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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