You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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