Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
