Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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