mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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