Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
