nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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