I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
