i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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