We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
