I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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