how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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