what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
