Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want her autograph on my taint
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
