Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
