No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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