it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
