i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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