We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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