I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
