Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
