The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
