Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
