my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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