I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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