I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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