I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Randomize
