I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
