Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
