I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
