I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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