I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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