So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
